Tuesday, 24 November 2009

  • How to Survive an Apocalypse (As Learned through Watching End-of-the-World, Disaster Movies)...




    Rather than sticking around campus to work on my term papers, this past weekend i went back home to suburbia and ended up watching Hollywood's latest "OMGZZZ THE WORLD IS DOOOMMMMEDDD!!!11!!!11oneoneoneeleveneleven" movie, 2012, with Future Dr. Awesome.

    It should be known that end-of-the-world, apocalyptic films is one of my favourite types of movie genres.  It ranks just below Jerry Bruckheimer/Michael Bay-produced Summer blockbusters and just above end-of-the-world, zombie apocalyptic films.

    Sometimes while watching a disaster movie, i also enjoy playing a little game that i like to call "Guess Who's Going to Die Next", in which i try to predict the deaths of each movie character in chronological order.  Morbid, i know.  But it's a pretty fun game!  Honestly! 

    Anyway, in watching over countless hours of disaster movies, i've deduced a list of "People Who Seem to Always Die in a Disaster Movie".  So if a massive meteor is bound for Earth or if dinosaurs happen to reappear and reduce the human population to walking, talking Happy Meals, then it would probably be advisable to steer away from adopting the following personalities if you want any chance at survival.

    #1:  Don't be the Obnoxious One


    In the case of an imminent apocalypse or being chased by man-eating monsters, you don't want to find yourself being that annoying bumbling fool that everyone really wouldn't mind sacrificing.

    #2:  Don't be the Bad Guy

    In most cases, the bad guy always dies because justice must be served and morals must prevail - that is, of course, until a sequel is to be made.

    #3:  Don't be the Stupid Person Who Deserves to Die


    You tell her not to go to the rooftop of the Empire State Building during an alien invasion because she might get blown up into smithereens.  She ignores your advice, goes there anyway, and gets blown up into smithereens via an alien laserbeam.  Moral of the story?  Don't be stupid or you'll die.

    #4:  Don't be Hero #2

     

    There's Hero #1 (aka. The Main Hero).  This is usually the dude with dashing good looks, the leader of the crew, who saves the world and gets the girl in the end.  Then there's Hero #2.  The slightly less attractive sidekick to Hero #1.  He's the one who actually saves the world by sacrificing his life.  But no one really cares because everyone is too busy swooning over Hero #1. 

    #5:  Don't be the Token Ethnic Dude

    If you're not white, chances are you will die first.  Unless you're LL Cool J.  Because he's always the exception to the rule.

    #6:  Don't be the Random Guy

     

    Sorry buddy, but you're just not that important enough to survive a 2-hour movie.  Budget restraints, you know?


Sunday, 15 November 2009

  • How to: Dating a Vampire 101...



    Every so often a new scream-worthy dude comes swaggering into the spotlight, driving tween girls and adult women crazy.

    For awhile, "The Heartthrob of the Moment" had been Disney's barely-legal teenyboppers like Zac Efron who could get ladies like me into a lot of trouble.  Then there were the geeky nerds such as Michael Cera who stole the hearts of girls everywhere - one awkward, yet totally endearing quip at a time.  But those heartthrobs are of the past because there's a new type of guy in town that every girl wants to date.

    The vampire.

    Vampires have quickly risen (from the grave!) to become a hot commodity among the female population.  We're no longer dealing with Nosferatu look-alikes anymore.  Nowadays, vampires are of the good-looking and mysterious variety with a moral conscience.  So if you're tired of dealing with issues that come accompanied with dating human boys, as long as you don't mind that your future beau is undead and possibly older than your great-great-grandpa, dating a vampire might be a promising idea.  Have no idea where to start?  Well, read on!

    How to Date a Vampire

    Types of Vampire-Men



    The first thing to note is that not all vampires are created equal, shiny or glittery.  The following are a few examples of Vampire-Men you may encounter:
     
    The Aristocrat - rich, spoiled and elitist.  Trapped in the Victorian Era. Perfect as a date to a costume party.

    The Rebel - May or may not still sport a dated 80s mullet.  Enjoys wreaking havoc and riding motorcycles.  May "accidentally" bite your neck while um.. playing cards.  Perfect as a date to an underground club.

    The Reformed Bad Boy - Used to be TheBigBad until his soul got restored.  Now he just pops out of nowhere when you're in dire need.  Enjoys brooding around.  Not one for conversation.  Perfect as your date to your high school prom.

    The High School Kid - Looks 17, but in reality is a 104-years-old - so don't worry, technically he's not jailbait.  Likes to stare a lot and watch you while you sleep.  Says creepy things to girls.  Perfect as - seriously? This guy?

    Where to Find Your Very Own Vampire-Man
    Graveyards
    Blood banks
    High schools in Phoenix, Arizona Forks, Washington Thanks Twihards!
    On the Internet

    Ideal Dates with Your Vampire-Man
    Fighting werewolves or other supernatural creatures
    Chilling in his mausoleum
    Climbing trees in the forest

    Things to Avoid Doing Around Your Vampire-Man
    Carry around sharp wooden objects
    Wear religious jewellery
    Eat garlic
    Suggest he visit an orthodontist

    What to Expect While Dating Your Vampire-Man
    Just like with any relationship, dating a vampire is full of compromise.  You will have to give up engaging in activities during the day and he will have to try to resist draining away your blood.  There's also the issue of immortality.  Although his appearance will remain forever youthful, you might want to begin stocking up on anti-aging creams now unless you want to be mistaken for his mother in the future.

Wednesday, 11 November 2009

  • What? You've never seen a girl eat before?...




    Tonight, while in line at Harvey's...

    Guy in business casual attire who looks to be either late 20s-early 30s:  Hi.

    Me:  ... Hi? 

    Guy:  I think i saw you exiting the library behind me.

    Me:  ... Oh, really?

    Guy:  Yeah

    Me:  Haha...

    Harvey's Employee:  Miss, what would you like on your Bacon Double Cheeseburger?

    Guy:  Wow... you can finish that?

    Me: ........................................



    I swear something like this has happened before.